“Just smile and hide the insanity,” I tell myself. The past couple of days have been a great challenge. My thinking is not right and I’m beginning to question the reason for my existence. I have not been able to eat much and sleep is unattainable. I’ve spent the last four nights awake. Never ending thoughts surging through my head. I can’t control them just like I can’t control myself. I want to wander the streets aimlessly. Go and go and go until forever. I have so much energy I don’t know what to do with myself. All I can do is think. Think of myself and my life, think of those around me and my connections to them, think of the world and its meaning. Every leaf, every drop of water, every name has its significance; its story to tell.
Lord help me, I want to be more like you, but how can I when I am so full of sin? The mirrors, they don’t lie, and I can’t bear to see myself reflected in this state of deep perdition. I want to run away, to hide, to never come back. Who’d miss me anyway? But that’s the way of cowards; I must be strong. But will this ever end, this seeming spout of madness? Or is it here to stay? To abide with me forever?
Yet it isn’t all so bad. In this altered state of mine the world, it speaks to me. Beautiful metaphors and stories unfold before my eyes. I can’t explain it, it has no name, but I can feel it deep inside me, this love. I want to run, to yell, to share, to tell the world—all is not lost! But who would listen? My hair a jumbled mess, my eyes set deep inside their sockets, my clothes reflect my lack of care, my skin a pale and pasty yellow. Who would listen?